Dream - very sad, very depressing

I was a mother of three children, two boys and a girl. The girl was the middle child, one of the boys (Jeff) was very young. I had a husband - sweet, kind, gentle, loving (portrayed in the dream by Bob Newhart). I loved them all very much, but I was suffering from depression. Nothing mattered. I felt nothing. Life was too heavy. Too much. I couldn't handle it.

I abandoned them. I left.

(As the dreamer, I suspect that my dream-self was ...incarcerated? ... in a hospital for treatment, but that's not what I felt in the dream. They knew where I was, my husband definitely did. But I felt the guilt.)

Many years later, I was well enough to visit them. They had turned the home into a half-way house for troubled teenagers. My husband ... didn't really want to talk to me. The three children ... now adults ... showed me around, showing me all that he, and they, had accomplished.

Jeff was a joy. He was the heart of the family. Calm, giving, level-headed. A problem solver and full of cheer.

I had to leave because I was only there on a day-pass.

The next time I came to visit, they told me that Jeff was gone. He'd left a note saying that he was sorry. No ... saying that he felt the sorrow that each of us carried and he couldn't handle it any more. He had committed suicide.

Had he successfully hidden the same disorder that troubled me for all that time?
Had my return been the straw that broke the camel's act?

And where had this dream come from?
How can I dream so vividly the emotions and problems that I don't suffer/feel?

State of Christianity

Conservatives like to claim that the United States has lost its way spiritually speaking.

I actually agree that most Western organized religions have done so.

They say that the problem is freedom. Lax morals, non-heterosexuality, refusing to acknowledge male dominance, refusing to grant them unlimited temporal power.

Over-acceptance of differences is what it all comes down to. They want everyone to be exactly like them and everything to be exactly the way that they want things to be.

I think that the problem is exactly the opposite.

Western religion started to go wrong when Christianity got powerful enough to start persecuting the Other. Other religions. Other practices of Christianity. Other ethnicities.

When they began to demonize the spiritual world, in fact, and to deny the gifts of the Spirit. They bred a race of humans who have no connection with the spiritual. That is overly attached to the material world.

The world around us is full of the Spirit and It manifests in so many different ways. There are spirits in the trees, in the flowers, in rocks. We people also put a small fraction of our own spirit into the things around us.

Personal story, I am often called upon to help with the registers when they won't do something they're supposed to. The other day, the franking machine was refusing to verify a check. I took the check, put one hand on top of the machine as I focused on ... well, on telling the machine to work ... and it did. (No point in the story if it hadn't, wot?)

Practically speaking, I did nothing that the other cashier hadn't done, but it worked for me. Maybe because I was paying attention, I put the check in properly/ carefully? But maybe I actually did connect with the spirit of magic. I don't know but I know that my method works.

I know that talking to non-animate things and machines keeps me calm enough that I don't get upset and lose my ability to rationalize and work through an issue.

And I know that if I keep silent and listen ... I will "hear" the answers I need.

Am I Christian? I am a follower of Christ, not of organized religion.
I strive to do on earth as the angels do in heaven.
I struggle to forgive others as I hope to be forgiven. (This is actually VERY difficult because I am harder on myself than I am on others.)
I delight in and am thankful for my daily "bread" - the material world that is a gift from God.

Am I Christian?
Are you?